[I Need To Be Afraid]

Life has changed a lot since I last posted. I am no longer with Robby. We broke up on my birthday (November 4), because I just knew it wasn't right. It was getting to the point where you just hate being around them because all they do is treat you like shit.
I'm still pining over Jonathan of course!:P
I'm about to hang out with my friend, Gideon. He's pretty cool.
I really wish I could have a guy like me because of me and not to have sex. I mean, I love love love the sex, but I just really want Jon to wake up and realize how happy he'd be with me. 
Anyway this is just to introduce you to my new life, so you aren't confused about what's going on when I start posting real stuff again. Peace, homies:)

[And We Fall Like Stars From A Disapproving Sky]

He's perfect...literally everything I've ever wanted and more...remember when I was that pathetic little girl so scared of her own feelings and so afraid of being hurt that she couldn't find a person that could truely make her fall in love? Well, I've found him. Sad little girl is now a full-grown, ridiculously happy woman. I found someone that I fell for so easily...and that's hard...for me..and it came so naturally. The "I love you's" weren't even awkward....like, the first time he held my hand I knew...that was it. I was hooked. It's ridiculous to think about the short amount of time we've been together, yet we've been through so freaking much together it's unbelievable...and I trust him;;I really do. I know I've had trust issues before but I 100% believe that he will be faithful to me. I couldn't ask for anything better. I'm in love;;completely. I am going to be with my Robert Michael Hathcoat for the rest of my life and that makes me feel so secure and happy:) I don't even want to think about where I'd be or what I'd be doing without him...and I was so scared...that maybe he would decide that through all of my faults and flaws that I wasn't "marriage material," but he really loves me. For all that I am...and I have never felt more at home with anyone. Like...it's so hard to believe it..and when I think about my future there's no way I could picture my life without him...he's it. He's my everything. :) I knew it was special from that very first night...when Zach brought me over for the "one-night-hook-up-fix-up-make-her-undeppressed" thing..and I could tell that this was something that hadn't happened before. Now, I'm not saying that I believe in love at first sight because I certainly don't...but this is as close as anyone will ever get to that. Like...I honestly believe that he is the only one for me;;that we were meant to be together and that we are soulmates. :) People throw that term around a lot and don't really understand what it means, but I do. Now. WIthout him I'm only half of something so completely amazing...alone I am nothing, but with him, I could conquer the world:) As Mayday Parade said, [[save your heart for someone that's worth dying for...don't give it away]]. So I guess it's good that I was so guarded..that I didn't give my heart blindly away to people that didn't deserve it or to people that I knew weren't right for me. I'm so happy that I am completely his and there is no one in the world that could ever take his place. And I think back to previous relationships and other various hookups and I realize that I was an idiot. That maybe there's something to this "save it for marriage" Christian bullshit. I don't think you should have to wait for marriage but I know it would have been a thousand times more special if I had saved it for the one that mattered...of course it's in the past now and I can't change it, but i can say that there is one thing that I've never done with another man, and it's not sex...it's make love. I have never "made love" to anyone...and Robby comes along and BAM...I don't know..It's like...the most amazing feeling ever. I'm so so so happy that he came into my life...and I know that I never have to lose him and that we'll always be together...and that's the best feeling in the world. I love you, Robert Michael Hathcoat...you are my world, my everything, my moon, my stars, my flowers, my rain, my air, my clouds, the shine in my smile and the twinkle in my eye...you're it. And I'll be yours forever and always<3

From The Backseat Of Your Cab [I'll Sing This To You As You Go]

Look around at the models passing

I'm just another face in a crowd

Of flawless mannequins

I'm torn apart and mad at him...

When I think about the future

Where I'm going

Who I'm knowing

Why I'm listening

To what I'm listening to...

I think about going with you

Knowing no one but you

Listening to what you're listening to

I wanna be that girl in your dreams

I wanna be the one you need

The one you keep for years to come

The one that outshines everyone

I don't deserve what you've given to me
But I'll take it oh-so gladly
I'll never leave you if you'll never leave me
Baby...stay with me.


Look around at the clouds and the sky
Falling down on top of what I've built
To make myself look so much
Better than I am
I'm so torn apart
((Not mad at him))


When I fall down on the pavement
I wonder what my shame is
Why do I care that you see me weak

Scraped knees

Bruised ego

Why do I mind when you hear my voice crack
Trying not to sound so un-profound
Would you love me the same
If I had some other girl's name
I always wonder if I'm the one or
Just the one that took her place,
But baby, I'll take it
Because I--I...


I wanna be that girl in your dreams
I wanna be the one you need
The one you keep for years to come
The one that outshines everyone

I don't deserve what you've given to me

But I'll take it oh-so gladly
I'll never leave you if you'll never leave me
Baby...just stay with me
Baby, I can't see...would you stay
Stay.....with.....me?

[Making Up For Lost Time] The Winds of Change Are Blowing My Direction...

So;;it's been a while since my last post. I'm getting lazy. Then again, I usually do. I never finish anything I start. I haven't kept a steady journal for more than a month at a time, but one can only try.


Updates on my life::
1. Robby(: He makes me SO happy. I can already tell this is going to be something good. It's early, but I know that I'm really really digging this kid, and he's really really digging me. And I haven't been this happy in ages, so I'm stoked. I'm skipping school Thursday to be with him, then shopping with him Friday afternoon, then he's taking me to my Winter Formal Saturday night, and then I'm going to [hopefully] stay the night at his place(: I always have an amazing time when I'm with him. He makes me all smiley/giggley/butterfly-ee/weak in the knees/blushy/lip-bitey...as Bambi would say;;I'm twitterpated;)
2. School): Yeah, I'm not doing so well. I had a good two-day streak of doing work and paying attention, but after the weekend I came back as lazy as ever. Ugh. I certainly wish I wasn't so lazy, but I can't help it. [Wow...I sound like a total douchebag right now]. **lol**





End transmission.

[Rough Draft] The Yearbook's Final Goodbye (thanks for making ME write it).

We are all on our own seperate paths, and we are all headed to different places. Some of our paths will remain intertwined throughout the years and others will slowly grow apart. But no matter where our paths lead us, we will all have one thing in common--we spent some of the best/worst years of our lives here. Ouachita High School. Another year has gone by, and we've survived. For some, this is the beginning of a new high school career, a fresh reputation, and an entirely new place to make a name for themselves. For others, this is a goodbye. This is the start of an entirely new chapter beyond high school; beyond hallway drama and cafeteria crispitos. We are all beginning to realize that someday we're going to have to leave the safety of these white walls we know so well. We will eventually have to find new security in our independence. Some of our goodbyes are forever and some for a day, but we will NEVER forget the times we had here. And each of our paths, however long and winding they may be, will lead us to a greater tomorrow. We will gain friends and lose friends. We will learn some and forget some. But most of all, we will discover who we truely are. So take this journey one day at a time, and always remember the days you spent here in these crowded white hallways--laughing, crying, screaming, hurrying, stalling, whispering, smiling, and most importantly...growing. Growing older; growing wiser; growing apart; growing closer--growing up.

Pretty Little Girl;;With A Bow In Her Hair...

A Rocket To The Moon = A Great Band

New Hope;;New Dreams;;A Back-Ache

Well, I met a boy. He's absolutely adorable(: And a nice guy. Definitely not my usual type. I'm usually into the quiet ass-holes that treat me like a piece of meat. Perhaps I should try something new. He seems like he's really into me. And I'm diggin' on him as well. [[Who knows what could happen? Do what you do;;just keep on laughin'. One thing's true--it's always a brand new dayyy]].

My back hurts...badly. I had to stay home today because of it. Now my throat is killing me. So I have a cold, my back is shot, and I have to try and recover by this weekend. Because I'll be seeing that boy(:

Well, this was just a small update for you guys ((aka:  Hardcastle. Since she's probably the only person in the world reading these:P))

A Series of Phantasmaghorical Events

So yesterday::
Pretty good day. If every weekend could be like this one, the world would be a better place(:

"Want Me To Punchasize Your Face For Free?"

I'm watching Super Troopers...god I love it.

Phish Out Of Water

Clown Love

Just thought I'd put this little edit on here. I really liked it.

To Follow A Heart...To Find A Hand

My life--is bound in pages and paragraphs. I take time out of each day to write down everything about my life. Feelings, questions, emotions, events, people, places, times, etc...and I just have to wonder..what's it all for? Who am I writing this for? Who is my audience? What is my significance here on this Earth? I mean, is there meaning to anything we do? We do not know. And I have to challenge myself each day to find another thing about me that makes me special--that gives me purpose. It's strange the things we think about when alone and surrounded by the sounds of guitar strings and piano keys. My entire life up to this point has been filled with almost constant pain, yet it has also been flooded with so much happiness. I have the most amazing friends I could ask for. The ones that matter anyway. My family...though dysfunctional...is still my family. Certainly I don't like my mother. And I don't appreciate her enough. And by the time I do it will probably be too late. And I've come to terms with that. My father...I love him dearly. He's a very smart man. He's kind of a revolutionary. He's the only person I know that truely gets it. Gets me. Understands every thought going through my head, and what I mean when I say certain things. It takes some special people in your life to truely understand you.

Things That Make Me Smile (Slash) Things That Make Me Cry

Things That Make Me Smile::

• Giant pink sunflowers
• Folk music
• The Beatles
• Those days when it's not too warm but not to cold with just the right amount of breeze....ahh...perfection.
• Funny homeless people
• When they re-elect a new Pope
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer (this includes the "relationship" with Buffy and -sigh- Angel).
• A sunset
• Being out until 5 am with some of the most amazing people in the world
• My REAL friends (the ones that are always there for me, even when I fuck up big time).
• Black and white movies
• Pin-up girls
• Salsa dancing
• Hearing a song I used to love but haven't heard in a while
• Finding a good book
• Finishing something I never thought I would finish
• Writing (and then discovering I actually like what I've written).
• Broken Lizard movies
• Hugs
• Twizzlers
• My birthday suit
• Holding hands...
• Feeling special
• John Lennon and every word he ever spoke
• Food
• Shakespear
• Poetry
• Edgar Allen Poe
• Quentin Tarantino films
• Across the Universe
• "Death by stereo."
• "Build a man a fire; he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire...he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
• The Memory-Mayday Parade
• Bunny, You Ain't No Kind of Rider-Of Montreal
• When the President Talks to God-Bright Eyes
• Getting to see my daddy....I miss him a lot. I miss our weekly conversations late at night when he would be so off-the-wall drunk, but still made sense, and I could tell him anything and everything because he didn't judge. And sometimes he even remembered the day afterwards...I just..miss that. I love my father very much. He is one of the only people, not just in my family but in my life in general, that truely understands ME.
• "God created man because he was disappointed in the monkey." -Samuel Clemens (better known as Mark Twain)
• Random factoids
• The wind blowing on my face in just the right way....where everything seems at peace.
• Love. I know I say I don't believe in it...and sometimes I really truley don't...I just...am so scared. Butttt...however fleeting it may be, I think it is one of the most precious things we have in life, and to ignore it is simply idiotic. Love--whether lasting for a week or a lifetime--is something to be cherished and held on to. Something that makes us feel like we can fly.
• Family Guy
• the Fuse network
• Marilyn Manson
• Marijuana (I'm off andon these days)
• Finding money in my pockets unexpectedly
• Making A's in class
• Being different
• Men as well as women
• The beauty in everyday things
• Pomegranite body wash
• Fruity shampoo
• Storms (the thunder, the lightning, the rain....)
• Dancing in said storms
• Kissing. I really like kissing ((when it's with someone that kisses just the way I like them to)).
• Piercings. I really enjoy tongue and lip piercings. I think they're amazing (for SEVERAL reasons).
• Finding people that care about the same things I do.
• Billy Mays
• Vince of the Sham-Wow commercials (because he's funny AND he beat up a hooker).
• "You're gonna love my nuts." ---National television
• Fried chicken, black-eyed peas, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, cornbread, rolls, and butter-pecan ice cream(: [Reminds me of my Granny's house].
• My Granny and Grampy
• Megan
• Photographyy
• Planning my funeral.

Things That Make Me Cry::

• Not seeing my father.
• What you-know-who did to me.
• Movies with sad endings.
• Movies with happy endings.
• Seeing gay people so excited about getting married, and then being shot down. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen.
• Homeless men begging for money...and never getting any.
• Artwork that moves me.
• Broken hearts.
• Shots.
• "The pregnancy scare"
• Seeing two ridiculously old people still in love, holding hands, and kissing...it's just...moving. And restores my faith in humanity and love as a whole.
• Watching poor innocent animals getting treated like shit and then being killed and/or skinned alive for their fur. It's...awful.
• "Don't think that I don't think about it."
• The things that certain people say that I don't let go.
• Peoples' parents dying.
• Seeing children starving and being abused because of their shitty-ass parents.
• Seeing my friends and/or family in pain.
• Thinking about when my father's alcoholism is going to finally take it's toll and kill him.
• Deadlines.
• Stress.
• My period.
• Just thinking sometimes..

[I hope this was enlightening to whomever may be reading this as to what kind of person I am and whether or not you (still) like me].

[I'm Real] I Can Hardly Believe It, Myself...

Every word that slips from my tongue sounds so profound right now...I don't know how to explain it, but I think I might be on the verge of something amazing. I feel like every single syllable that escapes my lips is somehow drenched in importance--like I've got the world on a string, and I can tug on that string all I want, even cut it if I felt the need...In fact, I'm absolutely certain I sound like a complete bag of nuts here, but I don't care. Nobody reads my damn "blog" anyway. And may I just take this precious moment in time to explain how much I hate the word "blog." It diminishes ANY meaning or depth that your writing had to it. Just saying, "Oh, just check out my blog"...sounds...absolutely ridiculous. What happened to the grand ol' times? Hrm? I would kill for a typewriter...a classic, old, black, rusted typewriter. I am convinced that with one piece-of-shit typewriter I could write an award-winning, classic novel. Or a speech that would change the world. I mean, every word I am speaking is of the utmost importance now. I am in a complete state of euphoric idealism right now. I feel like...not a cartoon, but a real person in one of those old movies...black and white, fuzzy screen, long cigarettes and French accents...Yes, that's exactly how I feel.... You know, these few moments of complete importance and empowerment have been absolutely lovely. Perhaps I should try and pretend my words are shaking with God-like magnitude all the time. Then maybe I could speak my mind without worry of consequences or awkward silences...a comfortable silence maybe, but no awkward ones. Yes, I do believe that from now on the sounds that escape my mouth will be those of great weight and measure. I shall be Edgar Allen Poe standing next to a Hallmark card writer. I shall be Marilyn Monroe next to Anna Nicole Smith. I am the genuine article. I am the big cheese (as they say). Yes, from now on each word from my lips will be breaking news! I'm sure this will prove to be very exciting, since normally I have a lot to talk about...yet nothing to say. Perhaps now I can have something perfect to say...without talking at all...

You think I'm a lunatic don't you? Not that it matters, I'm the only person who's ever going to read this. Ha. I love how I'm writing all of this shit, like I'm something...and literally no one is ever going to read it. All of my God-like importance--completely gone to waste now. Damn...and just when I was getting good at pretending to be better than I am.

I think I am coming down from my Jesus-high. I certainly don't know what came over me. I should probably get some sleep though. And don't worry about my dream-guy, because...you're better than my dream guy, because you're real. [I really just loved that line in the movie...I can't even get over it right now].


Thank you and goodnight.

--End transmission--

[A Series of Surprises]

I worry too much.
I over-analyze every situation.
I think more than I should.
I am a jealous bitch.
I continue to argue when I know I am wrong.
I cry more than the average person.
I don't like it when you tell me I'm wrong (mostly because I know that I am).
I am a pretentious, snobby bitch (sometimes).
I never shut up.
I don't know if I'll ever fall in love...because I can never let my guard down and frankly I'm scared as fuck.
I am terribly angry for someone so anti-war/violence/pain.
I am a walking contradiction.
I laugh at inappropriate times.
I don't look before I leap...and I usually end up landing in a big pile of dog shit.
I hate almost everything about myself.
I hurt those that I love that love me...and I don't even know why.
I am distant.
I am mixed up and confused.
I am lazy.
I find it hard to wrestle with the multitude of thoughts in my head...
I pretend I don't believe in love, but hope every day that I find the one that changes my mind.
I choose to ignore things in my life that are too difficult, simply because I don't have the faith in myself to do them.
I smile when I am sad.
I don't trust easily.
I feel as though I won't ever be good enough for any man of substantiality.
I expect too much of others.
I tend to use people without even thinking.
I hate blindly.

 These are all things that I should perhaps work on. These are some of the MANY MANY negatives. But there are positives as well...


I know how to laugh things off (at least until I'm alone and can face my emotions without acting like a bitch).
I am intelligent.
I am funny (sometimes).
I am not completely ugly.
I am faithful and loyal to those that I love.
I am outgoing.
I try and fail all of the time, and I usually never let it phase me.
I know who I am, in all of my faults, and accept it.
I am well-read.
I may not trust easily, but once you've gained my trust I will tell you anything.
I am a good listener.
I will happily be a shoulder to cry on.
I care about others.
I appreciate every little thing in life;;from the fact that I have a roof over my head to the sound of music playing to all of my friends and family to the color of the sky right before it storms.
I know the value of love, and I know that it is one of the most amazing things you will ever have in your lifetime.
I am fearless at telling people what I really think (or at least I pretend to be)...
I am very good at pretending to be confident.

 I guess that's about it...I'm not anywhere near perfect.


I don't know what I'm even doing awake right now. It's 3:50 am, I can't sleep (the insomnia obviously), and I'm writing the most random pointless things. Do I have an ulterior motive? Perhaps I secretly want you to read this, and take everything I say at face value, and perhaps I think you'll think that I am a sure enough person to say all of these things about myself and you'll appreciate the fact that I know I'm not perfect....or maybe I know no one will read this and I won't have to worry about what anyone thinks. Who knows? I guess I do. But I don't know know quite yet.


I am ready for 2010. I have resolutions planned.


Ha...as an end to this year, "maybe I'll take down the Christmas tree." (1,000 points to anyone that can tell me where THAT quote came from).


"I want rules... and boundaries... because... what I've learned is that... without them... all life is... is a series of surprises." -Augustan Burroughs (shortly after)--->"I want to be punished for having sex with a 35 year-old schizophrenic!" Oh irony...